tears..

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I have been struggling the last few days; not feeling depressed but just short, inpatient, out of it, not sleeping and just feeling off. I didn’t realize I needed a good cry until now, 10pm Friday night. (tears) I miss my baby boy and I think it is really taking a toll on me emotionally and now physically… I have been running on empty for a few weeks and not addressing my need to just cry and let it all out. So here it goes!

I know that I am so fortunate to have Leonidas but I miss Jaimison sooo much. It hurts so much. It’s hard going places, I feel the void everywhere we go. I feel my arms are empty.. (tears)

We went to a theme park last week and I just couldn’t shake the empty arms feeling. That I should be wearing him, missing out on roller coasters, and stopping on a bench to feed him. :(

I really wish that a trip to the grocery store was a different kind of challenge, trying to juggle two boys, entertain a toddler and feed an infant all while filling the cart with health groceries. Instead I find myself avoiding the store until we’re down to nothing and purchasing comfort food which includes things that aren’t on my list.

And when I go to Target I should be buying too many baby outfits that he would grow out of in a few weeks and buying the boys corresponding outfits for holidays and pictures and just because they are cute. But instead I find myself buying Leonidas too many toys, things for the house that aren’t necessary and sometimes clothes for myself. Which turns into me feeling bad about me. Not only do my clothes at home not fit me but neither do the ones I want to buy at the store. I keeping trying to remind myself “you just has a baby!” And the fact that I’m sad doesn’t help the weight issue.

I am going to the gym but it’s so hard.. Hard to get up and go and push myself. I’m already working so hard everyday to get up an go, and to push myself to diet and work out is tough. I have barely enough energy as it is. I am so drained. But I need to get in shape so I can feel good about myself.

It’s been hard to get a good nights sleep lately and that should be because of the every 2 hour feedings not because I’ve had a bad day emotionally… I don’t remember having a hard time sleeping, it’s always so easy for me. Now I just lay in bed till 12, 1, 2 in the morning not able to sleep :/ This is really getting harder as the months go on… (tears)

Today Mike bought me a little point and shoot for our anniversary and I can’t help but cry thinking of all the pictures and moments I’m missing out on. (tears) I should have 100’s of photos of him already, but instead I have a handful that not everyone is comfortable seeing. Ones I can’t post on my timeline or hang on my living room wall. I wish I was holding him right now instead of sobbing over this post. (tears)

Sometimes I have to push myself to do the simple things. Like take a picture of Leo being silly everyday or just doing nothing else but holding him and giving him 100’s of extra kisses for absolutely no reasons. I make sure we do something fun everyday and that my mood doesn’t interfere with how I react to him and his actions.

Leo spent the afternoon with his Grammy the other day because I knew I had no patience the moment I woke up. So instead of us battling all day he went to play with her and I came home and did some much needed organizing. Nothing like organizing to change your mood. It really bothered me that this was something that needed to be done, that I knew I would be short and a grumpopotamus. (tears)

It kills me to see Mommies not holding there babies everywhere and always, not preventing there cries but ignoring them, taking all of those moments for granted and not appreciating it. Not realizing that life is an amazing gift an nothing to waste or be taken for granted. (tears)

We are going out for our anniversary tomorrow night and I can’t help but think that we would be spending this time differently, a quiet night at home with our family holding and cuddling Leonidas and our new baby… (tears)

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I really hope there isn’t something more challenging in my future. (tears)

I love & miss you Jaimison!

(tears)

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2 responses »

  1. you are so strong Miranda, and I know you probably get that a lot, and that you are probably sick of it, but you have handled all of this so amazingly well. you have been so strong, even though you shouldn’t have to be. I’m sure there is a lot we don’t see, and there have been many bad days, but that of course is to be expected. Leo is so lucky to have you as a mom, even though you feel worn down some days, and Jaimison is lucky to have you as his mom, to give him everything you did, and to fight for your vbac that you accomplished. He truly changed you, he had a purpose, and that shouldn’t be forgotten. I had wondered why pictures hadn’t been shared, and I thought that was due to your comfort level and keeping them private, I would LOVE to see him, from his ultrasounds he looked so much like leo it was crazy! you should share them, he is a part of you, and I can only imagine how beautiful he is!
    I always hug layla a little tighter, knowing what you have been through, and being there that night, you changed our family.. we are so much more thankful, and we didn’t realize we had been taking some of the little things for granted.

    <3

  2. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing you are! There are truly no words for how strong you are! I can’t even imagine your pain and I am so sorry that you ever had to feel such an awful pain! You have encouraged so many women through this…. Ones you might not ever meet but that have just heard about you and your story! Thank you for writing this and being open. I can’t imagine how hard that was. You are seriously one of the most amazing women I’ve ever know and I so admire your strength and courage and vulnerability! Love you do much Randa! You, the BOYS, and mike!

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