F&F are all you need!

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Earlier today I became emotional thinking about all of the amazing people I have in my life. I have had the worst year of my life this far and am thankful for my family and friends. Leonidas was well taken care of by his Greatgrandma and our close friends who dropped everything in the middle of the night to be with him. I knew that he was safe and being loved on. My mom and Bfffl never left my side. I had amazing support from my Doula and Midwife in the hospital despite the countless hours and the Holiday. And ALL of our friends got together and took my little man trick-or-treating, he was distracted by all his little friends and didn’t even realize mommy and daddy were missing. We didn’t go home for weeks and we were well taken care of by my parents. We had homemade food for weeks and amazing donations from so many people. So many people have touched my heart and I will never forget any of it. You guys are amazing and I will never forget you and your love & care!!! I love you all! <3 I promise to pay all of this forward. My heart will never heal but I will be released from this fog, and I hope to be able to touch lives of others in the way you all have touched ours. Thank you for sticking by me in this time of need even though I may not always seem like I'm all here. I love you all!

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A Diamond in the rough..

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My new Patio Table!

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Here is my new garage sale/craigslist find. One night while suffering from insomnia I was searching Craigslist for the many things we are in search of and came across an Estate sale post with a picture of this beauty!

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It was not so hot when I found it but I had a vision and knew it was going to be amazing. I just had to get to the garage sale early enough to snag it and hope that hubby liked it enough to refurb it. The next morning when my “Get your ass out of bed for a garage sale” alarm went off I got Leo and I ready to head out for the day. We got to the garage sale and there it was sitting in the middle of the front yard, all rusty, brown and beautiful. The sticker price was not so pretty though. The lady wanted more than I thought it was worth. This is Teak and was most likely an expensive table new, but we had to put time and more money into it to make it worth it. I looked it over to make sure it was structurally sound. The table was in good condition so I offered her half her asking price and after negotiating I got her down but not as low as I would have liked. I got some help and loaded it into my minivan.
I got the table home and started working in it. I attached a wire brush bit to the drill and started sanding the wood down to the nice natural wood color it should have been instead of that grayish wood color. Also the legs on the table and chairs were rusted and had to be stripped down. I tried as much as I could to sand them down but I just couldn’t sand enough off. My hubby had to get his angle grinder out and get to work in it. He was able to sand the legs of the table and chairs down to the metal and get a nice smooth surface.
I am absolutely horrible at spray painting so he also took on that task and primed the entire table, wood and metal, and then painted it all white. After the table and chairs dried we rolled a gorgeous teal color onto the top surface of the tables and chairs. The table came out exactly how I visioned it and I couldn’t be happier. I love it. I can’t wait to make some cushions and finish the rest of the patio :)

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Sharing some deals!

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While checking my Facebook this evening I came across two good deals on True Couponing’s page and I thought I would share :)

The first one is a $3 Credit to your Amazon account towards an Mp3 download of $5.99 or greater. All you do is share the link on your page. I am excited about this. We love music and download albums and singles from Amazon all the time.

The second one is a Free appetizer from Long Horn for joining their Western Hospitality Club. Just follow the link fill in your information and receive your free appetizer by email. Free food is always a plus to me :) I am looking forward to their Wild West Shrimp, crispy shrimp tossed with sliced cherry peppers. So yummy!

Go follow the links and redeem your credit and appetizer as well!

Thrifting!

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So recently I have found a new treasure thrifting. I haven’t always been so excited about thrifting. (Mom if your reading this I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time growing up about second hand stuff.) I was terrible, I was embarrassed and didn’t even want to go to a thrift store or even garage sales. I was so ridiculous! But I grew up. And the economy is terrible and I hate paying the full amount for anything so second hand is great. Anyways I was on the Book of Face and a Mama friend shared a link/picture about the Memorial Day sale at Salvation Army, 50% off everything! How could I pass this up? I had to go out even though I only had $40 in my wallet for next two weeks. Well I couldn’t! So while Hubby and Little man had their friends over to play my MIL and I went out on our quest. I was actually in search of end tables for our living room. I want to purchase a set of end tables, a two sofa tables and repurpose them. Well we got to our first S.A and we found tables but I wasn’t in love, they had too much detail. But they were only $39.99 for the pair and with 50% off they were only $20 for the two. Such a great deal but after staring an inspecting them for a while we decide no. So on we went to the next S.A about 6 miles away. I looked at the large furniture selection and found nothing. So on I went to the rest of the store and found nothing. And then it caught my eye, this old appliance sitting on the shelf so lonely.. Could it be? Did I really just stumble upon the thing I have been wanting for years? It really was, I found a juicer :)

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It has all the pieces? How did I find this? Will it work? Should I get it? Can I clean it? I carried it around the store for about 5 minutes while asking myself all these questions. The tag read $15. Then I started thinking how could I not buy it, this is what I have wanted for so long. So over to the outlet for the moment of truth I went. Please work, please work, please work! And it did!! Off I went to the counter with my large dorky smile on my face, and I paid the cashier $7.49 for my Juicer. I was so excited. It has been a week and I still haven’t cleaned it up and used it but I plan on testing it out this week. If anyone has any tasty recipes let share them please :)

Mother’s Day

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With Mother’s Day behind us I can’t seem to get out of my head how much I don’t care for the day… Yeah that’s right, I don’t like Mother’s Day! it’s a commercially inflated day that is emotionally draining for most, And someone is bound to get hurt. Okay so your thinking “how is someone going to get hurt, what is this crazy lady talking about? This is a day to express to your mother how awesome she is and how much you love her!” Well let me explain.
First: Everyone has a mother, Mother’s have mothers and their mothers have mothers. How are you to please everyone. Spend the day together and have a big dinner!?! -WRONG- How are you going to get Grandma, Mom, the daughter who now has a family, and the son that also has a family and his wife is now a mother and she has a mother and the son in law has a mother, and his mother has a mother, not to mention the son in law and daughter in law have siblings as well. Someone is going to feel left out. How do you please all of those woman? You can’t! You can try to schedule breakfast with one, lunch with the other and dinner with majority.. but then someone is left doing all the running around and their mother’s day is spent on the go with cranky children not doing anything fun and again someone is miserable! How do you picture Mother’s Day? Waking up to a clean house? Getting to sleep in? Breakfast in bed? A day at the Spa? What about seeing your mother? Does that even cross your mind? I know as a young mother taking care of a house and a young family I would like all of the above on any given day. But I am going to go out on a whim here and say that a mother of grown children and grandchildren would like nothing other than all of their children and grandchildren in the same room. How does this work!?! In my opinion it doesn’t.

Second: This day is also a hard day for all of the bereaved mothers out there, and this is a lot of mothers. Mother’s Day is a day you spend with your children, they make you cards and gifts and you are thankful for them and they are thankful for you. Well, on this day a mother can’t help but feel the loss of their baby. That the baby isn’t here to make a card with hand prints and smeared paint, too much glitter and no words.. Weather the baby passed away as a miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, an adolescent or an adult, it is still the loss of a child. A mothers love for a child starts usually pre conception but definitely when those two lines appear on that tiny magical stick. And that love never every weakens or goes away, it just strengthens as the hours, days, and years go on. Mother’s Day is torture for these woman. Not to mention the ones who have lost a baby and don’t have any other children. Does anyone call them to wish them a Happy Mother’s Day? Or send then a card in the mail? Or write on their wall? Do people even recognize them as a mother if there is no physical child with them all the time? This has got to be agonizingly painful! = (

Third: Mother’s Day was founded over a hundred years ago by Anna Jarvis in honor of her Mother also Anna Jarvis. She worked hard for years to get a holiday to celebrate mothers and all of their devotion and love for their families. Only a few years after the day was proclaimed a holiday it started to become commercialized and Anna protested the day and tried to get rid of it. The day was founded with different intentions and became a day for Hallmark, florists and cheap candy.
Mother’s Day is not what it was intended to be and I do not care for the day at all!

With that being said I did have a nice day on Sunday/Mother’s Day this year. I cried for hours after waking with grief at the loss of my baby boy, but after composing myself it was a good day. We got ready for breakfast with my family, my mother, my mother-in-law, my father, and my brother-in-law. After breakfast my husband, son and I went to the museum where Mother’s got in free only with the admission of a child’s ticket (so it doesn’t really honor all mothers, does it?) and then for a late lunch early dinner at Panera Bread. This was not uncommon from a typical Sunday except the card my husband got me and the gift card to Starbucks my mother got me.

I just don’t understand the day.. Seem pointless and commercialized to me!

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Figured out a theme..

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I am so excited about Leonidas’ 4th Birthday! After saying I picked a theme about 3 times I finally did pick a theme! :) We are doing an Up Party inspired by the Disney movie. I have been goggling and pinning away for the last few day and I think I have some really good ideas floating around in my head.. hahaha, get it? “Floating” Okay sorry its 3am and I would probably think anything is funny at this point.

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His birthday is in September but parties are a lot of work and the cost is always so inflated. hehe.. inflated, okay I’ll stop.
I like to get a head start, DIY as much as possible and search for sales. I also have a small problem with not asking for help, not letting anyone do anything and making all the decorations, food and cake myself. Not to mention setting everything out myself too. Well this year I will make an effort to take and ask for as much help as I need. Can’t wait to see if I stick to my word..

Keep an eye out for DIY birthday party posts.. soon to come :)

tears..

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I have been struggling the last few days; not feeling depressed but just short, inpatient, out of it, not sleeping and just feeling off. I didn’t realize I needed a good cry until now, 10pm Friday night. (tears) I miss my baby boy and I think it is really taking a toll on me emotionally and now physically… I have been running on empty for a few weeks and not addressing my need to just cry and let it all out. So here it goes!

I know that I am so fortunate to have Leonidas but I miss Jaimison sooo much. It hurts so much. It’s hard going places, I feel the void everywhere we go. I feel my arms are empty.. (tears)

We went to a theme park last week and I just couldn’t shake the empty arms feeling. That I should be wearing him, missing out on roller coasters, and stopping on a bench to feed him. :(

I really wish that a trip to the grocery store was a different kind of challenge, trying to juggle two boys, entertain a toddler and feed an infant all while filling the cart with health groceries. Instead I find myself avoiding the store until we’re down to nothing and purchasing comfort food which includes things that aren’t on my list.

And when I go to Target I should be buying too many baby outfits that he would grow out of in a few weeks and buying the boys corresponding outfits for holidays and pictures and just because they are cute. But instead I find myself buying Leonidas too many toys, things for the house that aren’t necessary and sometimes clothes for myself. Which turns into me feeling bad about me. Not only do my clothes at home not fit me but neither do the ones I want to buy at the store. I keeping trying to remind myself “you just has a baby!” And the fact that I’m sad doesn’t help the weight issue.

I am going to the gym but it’s so hard.. Hard to get up and go and push myself. I’m already working so hard everyday to get up an go, and to push myself to diet and work out is tough. I have barely enough energy as it is. I am so drained. But I need to get in shape so I can feel good about myself.

It’s been hard to get a good nights sleep lately and that should be because of the every 2 hour feedings not because I’ve had a bad day emotionally… I don’t remember having a hard time sleeping, it’s always so easy for me. Now I just lay in bed till 12, 1, 2 in the morning not able to sleep :/ This is really getting harder as the months go on… (tears)

Today Mike bought me a little point and shoot for our anniversary and I can’t help but cry thinking of all the pictures and moments I’m missing out on. (tears) I should have 100’s of photos of him already, but instead I have a handful that not everyone is comfortable seeing. Ones I can’t post on my timeline or hang on my living room wall. I wish I was holding him right now instead of sobbing over this post. (tears)

Sometimes I have to push myself to do the simple things. Like take a picture of Leo being silly everyday or just doing nothing else but holding him and giving him 100’s of extra kisses for absolutely no reasons. I make sure we do something fun everyday and that my mood doesn’t interfere with how I react to him and his actions.

Leo spent the afternoon with his Grammy the other day because I knew I had no patience the moment I woke up. So instead of us battling all day he went to play with her and I came home and did some much needed organizing. Nothing like organizing to change your mood. It really bothered me that this was something that needed to be done, that I knew I would be short and a grumpopotamus. (tears)

It kills me to see Mommies not holding there babies everywhere and always, not preventing there cries but ignoring them, taking all of those moments for granted and not appreciating it. Not realizing that life is an amazing gift an nothing to waste or be taken for granted. (tears)

We are going out for our anniversary tomorrow night and I can’t help but think that we would be spending this time differently, a quiet night at home with our family holding and cuddling Leonidas and our new baby… (tears)

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I really hope there isn’t something more challenging in my future. (tears)

I love & miss you Jaimison!

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